I’ve spent some enjoyable time this morning watching Summer and Ben play together, he mostly sits and watches along side her, smiling and clapping. It’s lovely to see.
All the children play together a lot, it’s so nice for them to have each other.
I was an ‘only child’, my Mum couldn’t have more so this is not a post about blaming anyone, or judging anyone who simply chooses to have just the one, not at all. Also i don’t expect for one minute that other ‘only children’ grow up to feel as i do, i know one lady who is glad she’s ‘the only one’.
People often ask if i had 6 children to make up for what i didn’t have, a very small part of that maybe true, when i was little i did dream of having a sibling (i’d sometimes pretend i had a brother or sister,but only in my head, i used to imagine what they’d be called etc).
Our house was often quiet, especially after my Mum left, i could hear the ticking of the carriage clock in the living room….and wow i wish i could hear ours now some days lol (no chance with 8 people in the house !).
I actually think the trigger for me having a large family was when my first child suffered heart failure at 6 days old, i became so aware of mortality, of how precious, fragile and fleeting life can be. It also triggered in me a very morbid fear of death, i’m not afraid of dying but i am afraid of not living anymore, of not having the chance to go fell walking ever again (i haven’t been near a fell for 17 years now) of never getting to do any one of my silly one million and one things i love to do or places i’d love to go. My daughters care requires 100% commitment and i have been very lucky as i have got to do some wonderful things thanks to my Mum stepping in to help out . Over the years i’ve had a week in Egypt and a week in Antigua where we got married, 4 nights in Spain and the odd weekend home or night away, but you can’t keep relying on someone else’s help, it’s a lot to ask of anyone, even your mother who does very well for her age. It’s not just as simple as taking Paige with us everywhere either as she can’t sit in a car or her wheelchair for long periods of time, and many other factors. So what you get to do is limited and there won’t be a day when i’ll know the part where the children grow up and aren’t dependant solely on me, as 2 of mine always will be. Some people say ‘well so and so’s son still lives at home and he’s 30′ thats not the same as having to actually be at home with them though, to change their 30 year olds nappy, to give medicines etc. There is no comparisson, they are free to go to work, to go to the shop, to leave the house, you are not free to leave a disabled person alone ever. It is a very different commitment and i have to always try my hardest to find it in me to be unselfish and not to be to frustrated by that level of commitment because i know that i am lucky.
Anyway getting back to topic 
i am so very pleased all of my children have each other, not just for now but for the future. I often feel alone, not lonely, just alone, sometimes even a bit cast adrift, especially when i hear of one of my friends going to visit their brother and his family, or my husbands phone keeps buzzing with texts from his sister. I have a couple of friends (i would have had more if i’d not moved from my hometown where my roots are) but it’s not the same as a family member with whom you have a shared history. I am close to one childhood friend, she was as close to a sister as i could have had but then she has 2 sisters of her own, she lives 300 miles from me and is always doing something with one of them and rarely even returns my texts these days.
I took the above pic this morning, when Summer and Ben had played so nicely together for over an hour, just as they were starting to get fed up i thought i probably should have got my camera out ! Summers pout was because she really didn’t want her picture taken at that moment, thank you Mummy !
Recent Comments